With my upcoming nuptials around the corner, I’m fully anticipating on onslaught of questions having to do with procreating. Why is it that people always want to know the next step and can’t simply live in the present one? Anyway, in order to decrease this inevitable line of questioning, I just wanted you all to know that I do not plan on birthing any of my own biological children. Before you get your panties in a twist, allow to explain why I don’t want kids.
I started having symptoms of bipolar disorder when I was a child. To my grandparents who raised me, they thought I was just a independent and difficult child. Looking back, the signs were pretty clear.
Joe and I were together for nearly a year and a half before we had a separation. He had cold feet. He insisted he was to go to California and become a monk. It was traumatizing to me. It was a cold exchange of words from an otherwise warm man. My bipolar disorder/borderline was in full swing when he dropped me off to my apartment to say goodbye. I was alone, in a city, with nothing. I was frightened. I had no job, no money and had never been on my own before. I hated him.
My husband and I always wanted a big family, so three years ago when we found out we were expecting baby number seven, we were ecstatic. As the months went on, things began to change and I wasn’t as excited about the pregnancy as I had been before. I was homeschooling our other children and life began to feel like one big obstacle to overcome. Four months later I found myself in our local Emergency Room beginning to speak to a social worker because I was feeling suicidal.
We live in a really small town in northern Michigan so grocery shopping is truly a full day event. The nearest supermarket is 30 minutes away, so we only shop every 1 ½ weeks or so. So yesterday, we decided to have lunch with the kids before we went on our long and tedious shopping trip. We chose a China Buffet, which is one of our favorites. It was pretty busy for a Friday afternoon but we went in anyway. I took Gabriel up and we filled our plates. He always chooses the foods that I am visually unsure of…rebel.
They really rule shit. Seriously. You can’t deny it. Your life circles around their needs. They are hungry? You feed them.They need new shoes? You buy them. They want you to fight a deranged game to the death? Well..you see what I am saying.And again. Kids resemble The Capitol in so many ways. The dress funny, they make no sense and you can’t take them seriously.
And yet. They really do rule your life.