With my upcoming nuptials around the corner, I’m fully anticipating on onslaught of questions having to do with procreating. Why is it that people always want to know the next step and can’t simply live in the present one? Anyway, in order to decrease this inevitable line of questioning, I just wanted you all to know that I do not plan on birthing any of my own biological children. Before you get your panties in a twist, allow to explain why I don’t want kids.
I started having symptoms of bipolar disorder when I was a child. To my grandparents who raised me, they thought I was just a independent and difficult child. Looking back, the signs were pretty clear.
Joe and I were together for nearly a year and a half before we had a separation. He had cold feet. He insisted he was to go to California and become a monk. It was traumatizing to me. It was a cold exchange of words from an otherwise warm man. My bipolar disorder/borderline was in full swing when he dropped me off to my apartment to say goodbye. I was alone, in a city, with nothing. I was frightened. I had no job, no money and had never been on my own before. I hated him.
My husband and I always wanted a big family, so three years ago when we found out we were expecting baby number seven, we were ecstatic. As the months went on, things began to change and I wasn’t as excited about the pregnancy as I had been before. I was homeschooling our other children and life began to feel like one big obstacle to overcome. Four months later I found myself in our local Emergency Room beginning to speak to a social worker because I was feeling suicidal.
The birth of my second child was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. My husband and I tried so hard to conceive her and I spent a lot of time trying to boost my fertility. We wanted to have a girl, but Joe’s side of the family had 5 generations of only boys. It was very unlikely. While we tried to conceive using ovulation tracking I also tried to gender sway. Apparently if you have sex at the end of ovulation you are more likely to conceive a boy, so we stayed away from that time. Finally…after a year of trying…SUCCESS! I was pregnant.